Leaving Home
by HeartOfAshes
Summary: Buffy's thoughts during the time she had run away from home.


Disclaimer: I don't own Buffy the Vampire Slayer or the song Exodus by Evanescence. But you knew that already, right?

This fic is Buffy's POV of the time she had run away from home (the last episode of Season 2 and the first episode of Season 3). Inspired by the lyrics of Exodus (actual lyrics are in quotation marks).

A big thank you to Libraflyter for proofing! Thanks gal!

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**Leaving Home **

"My black backpack's stuffed with broken dreams"

I can't even start counting them. I had to give up so much, for so long. Three years. Has it only been three years? It feels like I've spent my entire life this way.

It should have gotten easier. I told myself it would, that I would get used to it. But how could I, when things only ever became more complicated. Losing people I care about – losing them in more ways than one.

"20 bucks should get me through the week" 

I guess I'll just have to take it as it comes. I feel that I don't want – don't need anything anymore. I'm on my own.

"Never said a word of discontent" 

Ok, so maybe that isn't completely true. Or even mostly true. But I still did what I had to do. Fought against what's hidden in the night, waiting to attack in the dark.

"Fought it a thousand times"

And the fight always claimed a bit more of me every time. It seems like a useless struggle – at the expense of everything I had.

"but now I'm leaving home"

She thought it was my choice, that I didn't really have to walk out that door. She didn't understand that I was needed elsewhere. Once I walked out, she wouldn't have me back. She said so. And after what happened, I don't know if I could have gone back. If I could have stood being reminded that I had killed the man I loved. 

Because in those last few seconds, he was that man once again.

"Here in the shadows"

I'm just one more face, one more in an ocean of thousands. Lost in the darkness my enemies used to hide. Even though I know they're still out there, they're my prey no longer. I'm not the Slayer anymore, I've become anonymous.  And right now, I'm perfectly happy being no one. 

Or at least that is what I try to tell myself.

"I'm safe"

I don't have to be the Slayer any longer. Faced with the decision of whether to save those I care about or perfect strangers. Though when you're a Slayer, it's hard to tell which ones are which sometimes.

"I'm free"

Won't have to face that terrible guilt anymore – being just a few seconds too late. Now I'm just numb. 

"I've nowhere else to go but 

I cannot stay where I don't belong"

There's no place for me there now. So I'll just stay here in a city like so many other cities, in so many other countries. All those people… sometimes it seems like a cosmic joke that I was picked to protect them all.

And sometimes it makes me want to scream at the unfairness of it.

Why me?

"Two months pass by and it's getting cold"

The numbness tries to grow on me, I think. As I go through the same dull routine day after day, see the same blank faces. Empty behind the mask of emotion. The faces themselves are different, but the void is the same.

"I know I'm not lost"

This hell I'm stuck in. In its own way it's worse than the hell I dragged those people out of. I wonder if it's as bad as the place I sent… no, don't really want to think about it. What's the use in causing a tear in the numbness I'm wrapped in? I can't risk it tearing too far.

"I am just alone"

Ironic that the Slayer is supposed to be alone. I never was until I ran away from my duties. Being alone is fine with me. No one to worry about means I can't lose anyone else.

"But I won't cry

 I won't give up"

I have to keep on going. I don't really know why though.

I don't know anything anymore.

"I can't go back now"

They've moved on, haven't they? Filled in the gap I left with the nicer memories and sweeter pictures. Even they don't want to remember what I really was.

And they weren't the ones who had been chosen…

"Waking up is knowing who you really are"

But I don't want to wake up. I don't know which is the real me, the Slayer, or the teenager. The two concepts are as far removed from each other as anything could ever be.

And if I don't know who I am, how can anyone else?

"Show me the shadow where true meaning lies"

I can't escape my destiny forever, it always catches up with me. Even here. And when it does I have no choice but to fulfill my purpose, answer my calling.

"So much more dismay in empty eyes"

I can take away the edge of hopelessness from the eyes of strangers.

But what will I find now that I'm home?

What looks will be waiting for me, what feelings?

Will there even be any?

I've arrived at my front door.

But I don't know if I'll ever really be home.

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A/n: Hope that you enjoyed reading the fic! Btw, she says that she's been a Slayer for three years cause I'm counting from when she was called at the age of 15(and not from the beginning of the TV show).

I'd really appreciate feedback, I love getting reviews! (^-^)


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